It’s almost midnight now and I’m a bit angry and disappointed that I didn’t really get to relax today. When we got home, it was dinner, dishes, and laundry. My hands were aching and they’re still a bit stiff now. I was stressed out the whole day with the usual work-related things but on top of that, I was thinking about Saturday because it’s Miyu’s final Undokai event at her daycare. It’s been on my mind for a while and I’ve had a lot of anxiety about it because it’s a stressful event. First of all, it’s located at an elementary school a good 20 minute walk away from her actual daycare and because it’s in a residential area, there aren’t any paid parking lots nearby. Which means, we’d either have to walk or take a taxi. But it’s raining all weekend. Worse, Ken can’t even make it because the typhoon messed up his schedule and he has to make up the work on Saturday that he couldn’t do last Saturday when the typhoon hit. Which gives me massive anxiety just thinking about it. It would just be Miyu and me.
So but that’s the thing. When I focus on the negative parts, I forget about the good parts. Miyu has been practicing her little butt off for this event. She’s told me on numerous occasions that her friends are “counting on her.” She say’s she’s not excited and doesn’t want to go, but I can tell that she really is excited and really does want to go when she’s frolicking around the house practicing her dance moves.
I just can’t do that to her. I can’t not go because of my anxiety issues. It’s not just anxiety, it’s the enormous, traumatizing stress of the ever-present language barrier. Everything will be in Japanese. The program is in Japanese. I can’t read it. I can barely read the hiragana and katakana so I don’t really know what to expect. The event is from 0900 to 1230. There are numerous mini-events that require the parents to get involved. I’m planning to make vehement excuses about how I need to record my daughter so I’ll do it like last year—have one of the staff members take my place instead.
Anyway, I’m going to don my big girl panties and take my daughter to her school event. I’m going to use translation tools to decipher the program and write it down so that when I’m there in the loud gymnasium full of screaming kids, I’ll maybe know what’s going on. I’m not going to break Miyu’s heart all because I know I’m going to be frustrated and in silent-panic mode for 3 hours straight being in a chaotic environment. It’s just not fair to her.
Whatever happens, I’m going to try to make it work. Even if I can’t give my best, even if I will be in a bad mood from the morning, I hope my efforts will be enough and that whatever footage I’ll capture, I’ll cherish forever and my future self will be eternally grateful, LOL. Miyu might not understand the enormity of the pressure and stress this little event puts on me, but maybe in the future she’ll remember and she and I can laugh about it over coffee when her own children are running around her house.
Tomorrow night after work I’ll need to charge my camera batteries and think about the logistical aspects of actually getting to the venue and back home. For example, I don’t even know how to call for a taxi. FML. So I’ll have to get Ken involved for that. The old me would have thrown a fit and given him hell for not being able to attend, but the me now is focusing on Miyu and what I can do for her because she needs me and that’s what I’m here for. That’s what’s important—the present.
And the rest, all the little details that didn’t go exactly as I planned or hoped, doesn’t really matter now, does it?