Last night, I finally decided to deactivate my Facebook. In the past week, I had four people (customers from my job) who messaged me on there for work-related matters and I realized that just having a Facebook account was causing me unnecessary stress. Years ago, back when I first started my position, I didn’t think there was any harm in adding people. I thought, maybe I could make some friends? Shaking my head.
I can’t count how many times I was disturbed during my naps over the weekend because I had forgotten to activate Do Not Disturb or put my phone or tablet on manner mode. I can’t count how many times I was eating dinner with Miyu or the three of us were out at a restaurant on a weeknight or even a weekend and to hear that telltale ping, dreading who messaged me this time. Or we would be out shopping, enjoying time off work when all of the sudden I would hear the dreaded ping, mouth off a few choice curses, only to realize it was just my mom. Or I would be on my couch or relaxing in bed and reading on my Kindle when all of the sudden I hear the ping and whaddya know, someone needed help logging into their account. It was always about work with these people. It was never about anything non-work related. It was never like “Hey Renee, how are you? Did you watch the latest episode of The Mandalorian?!” Even the “friends” I thought I made would only message me whenever they needed something. It had become a habit for people to use my personal Facebook as a means to get “personalized” customer service from me.
Yesterday, Ken had a dental emergency and needed to see a dentist about a tooth infection that caused some swelling in his cheek. Of course, dramatic as our daughter is, Miyu vehemently expressed her interest in attending. So, because he couldn’t get an earlier appointment anyway, we waited for her to get home from school and there we were, at the dentist, waiting for Ken to get seen. They drilled a hole into his tooth and removed some of the nerves. He was given antibiotics and some weak sauce pain meds. He ended up using my 400mg Motrin (x2) but even that wasn’t really enough to deal with the pain. Barely takes the edge off, apparently. Hmm, now he understands how I live at the moment. LOL
After getting poor sleep Sunday night, I promised myself that I would go to bed early yesterday. Fell asleep pretty fast and when I woke up, I didn’t feel too groggy. Pain level was slightly improved, but my left toes are still swollen, still can’t fully utilize my right elbow, and both wrists feel crabby.
I know this app isn’t entirely accurate, but for the most part, I’m just glad to know that I got a full 7-8 hours of sleep. And side note, it seems to record Ken’s snoring, not mine (I have the audio recording to prove it!). Anyway, it’s extremely rare for me to get 100% sleep quality on a weeknight, much less on a Monday. But I hope to make this my new normal.
On Monday, November 2nd, I had an appointment with my rheumatologist for an ultrasound of my fingers, and a followup regarding bloodwork from last month. Dr. Matsueda informed me that my bloodwork, along with my ultrasound results, completely ruled out Rheumatoid Arthritis. Since my ANA and Smith AB were high, he is suspecting SLE (Systemic Lupus Erythematosus). He can’t confirm this diagnosis until I provide more bloodwork sometime in mid-December. But, considering that my ANA has been high since November 2018, I’m almost certain that I have SLE, or at least some kind of auto-immune disease for sure. My migrating joint, muscle, and nerve pains just don’t align with any form of classical arthritis.
It hasn’t really hit me yet. I feel like I’m in some sort of limbo teetering on the edge of a nightmare. But I’m doing what I can to keep my head above water. The pile of work I have for me at my job following my recent promotion is overwhelming and the constant barrage of house chores and mom responsibilities leave me little room to succumb to defeat.
Throughout all this uncertainty and quiet chaos, I’m only ever aware of one truth. And that is…I will find a way to get through this, just like I always do.
This year, due to the pandemic, Miyu’s first grade undokai was shortened. I wasn’t disappointed, if I’m being honest. Crowded places, noise, and a language I can’t speak spells disaster for my anxiety. But the nicest surprise was that Ken decided to forego work and spend the day with us instead. Afterward, we shopped and ate, and then before we knew it, it was time to go trick o’ treating.
I’m happy to report that Miyu finally experienced her first ever full Halloween event. I got her a leopard/cheetah costume from Amazon that she absolutely adored. At around 6pm, Ken and I accompanied her as she went trick o’ treating on base. At first she didn’t really know what to do or say, but after the first two houses, she quickly got the hang of it and was on a roll.
It’s Friday night and Miyu is in her room, playing with her toys because I had declared TV time over. Our microwave oven says that in 17 minutes and 45 seconds, the baking sweet potato inside will be ready to devour. Outside, the sounds of cars passing by rain-slicked roads make my eyes and shoulders droop with the promise of a good night’s sleep.
My thoughts are like the tangled Christmas lights boxed up in our closet, eager to come out but the timing just isn’t right. Lost time, vivid dreams, flashes of pain. My little girl is growing up and she’s becoming more and more beautiful each day.